Understanding Yourself and Others

To understand yourself, you first need to understand the inner workings of this sophisticated machine, the human body. To gain mastery over it, you need to gain mastery over its most important part—the mind. And to gain mastery over your mind, you need to understand how it operates.

So, let's begin at the beginning.

When you were born, you were a blank slate, like a clean blackboard on which we (by “we” I mean our world) could write anything and whatever we wanted. All humans on this earth are born exactly the same—no inherent difference whatsoever. The only difference is the external environment in which they are born.

What are some examples of different environments? Well, let’s start with geography. People are born all over the globe. Then there’s socioeconomic variation—some people are born into poverty-stricken regions or communities, while others are born into wealth. There’s political disparity; some people are born into democratic societies, some into socialist, and some into totalitarian regimes. People are born into every culture, caste, and religion—Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, and so forth—and into every historical period, such as the Middle Ages, the Industrial Revolution, the Information Age, and so forth.

As you grew and started experiencing the world around you, depending on your external situation, you slowly and steadily started filling your blackboard with the information you received. All the circumstantial information you received through your five senses (eyes (sight), ears (sound), nose (smell), mouth (taste), and skin (feel and touch)) got registered in your brain.

The way your mind saves this information is by dividing it into two buckets, likes and dislikes, based upon the positive or negative sensation you feel upon receiving the information.

The mind operates in two modes, conscious and unconscious, also referred to as the subconscious mind. All the repeated patterns and habits and “automatic” decisions that you form through time get saved into your unconscious mind; all your active decisions are processed by your conscious mind. Your mind works this way in order to save on your body’s energy consumption. In a typical human, the ratio of the weight of brain to body is 1:40 (i.e., 2.5-3%), yet it consumes almost 20% of the total energy generated by your body.

This process of receiving, processing, and saving information is a continuous process, whether you are aware of it or not. As you reach adulthood, you are fully programmed with all the information you received in the past. All this information defines the self which you call “I.”

“I” am this, “I” am that, “I” like this, “I” don’t like that, “I” want this, “I” will do this; all this “I”, “I”, “I” is nothing but all the pre-programming done by this world and your reactions to it.

As I explained above, all the information you receive depends upon your external environment and has nothing to do with you personally. We all know, just from living in this world for a few years, that we experience billions, even trillions, of permutations and combinations of external environments and events, and so do we have a billion different types of ‘I’ roaming around the earth.

This discussion brings us now to a very important question, the answer to which humans have been seeking for ages.

Who am I?

You are consciousness itself, the one who is aware of its surroundings, the one who observes and does nothing. The one who merely witnesses, is awake, and present. You are a simply conscious being and nothing else. You are not the ‘I’ which has been programmed by the world.

The ‘I’ which has been programmed by the world is the ‘I’ who has cultivated the feeling of possessiveness of this world. The one who has attached himself with the name which was given to him by this world. The one who is fooled by the artificially designed world around him.

This way of thinking is very logical when you understand what I said in Chapter 1, that you arrived here empty-handed and will leave the same way. And since this is the case, how can you be anything which the external world has programmed you to be?

You are simply a pure consciousness and your only job is to be aware of this state. Just be aware of your surroundings, feelings, emotions, and remain equanimous. That means, do nothing.

If you understand this simple but very deep and profound concept, believe me, you will begin to see the world differently. You will begin to realize that the world and life around you are actually meaningless. It is you who gives meaning to it. I repeat, there is absolutely no meaning to life other than that which you assign to it.

Okay… you might be saying. This all sounds overwhelming and difficult to grasp.

I understand. If it were easy, mankind wouldn’t have an unending search for this answer since the dawn of our history. To help bring you closer to this truth, I will give you two powerful and practical tips which you can implement in your daily life.

1. Be with yourself.
2. Meditate.

Be with yourself

Always spend time with yourself in solitude. Make sure, no matter your current worldly challenges, to devote time to just be with yourself and do nothing. Go outside and take a slow walk in nature. Or, if you can quiet your mind in a large crowd, just sit and observe the mass of people. Do nothing, just observe. Do not get distracted or engaged in any activity other than being with yourself. If any thoughts arise, try to resolve them logically and with the help of the lessons in this book. Using this book as your guide will surely help you.

Meditate

This is the most powerful yet largely underestimated tool. Try to feel into & learn the right techniques for meditation for you and make it a daily habit. I actually wrote this book in ten days after returning from a ten-day vipassana meditation where I was completely cut off from the external world. There I meditated from 4 a.m. to 8 p.m. in complete solitude & silence for ten straight days. In my little spare time, while I was quiet and with myself, I pondered over my life. I reflected and thought about everything that I wished to share with you, my son. It was during one of those days a thought came that I have a limited time on this Earth, and I might not have enough time left to teach or share with you everything that I would love to. I realized that there is no guarantee that I won’t die before I pass along all my wisdom to you. The sense of urgency drove me to write everything that I wanted to share at this stage of my life. If I were to leave this world today, I would have no regrets; I have lived my life exactly the way I have described in this book. As I write, I am enjoying this moment with the thought that one day (if nature wishes so), you will read this with a smile on your face.

Allow me to repeat a warning I gave earlier: this is what I did as a step towards my life’s purpose. This is where my heart and my passion took me. Don’t develop any preferences for it simply to imitate me. Follow your own heart and passion and use this book only as a guide and nothing else. You need to find your own truth.

Understanding Others

Human beings are social animals, and in order for us to navigate the journey of life, we have to interact with each other. You are not alone on your journey; after all, there are many people around you. Some are your first-degree connections, such as your parents, siblings, and close friends; others are your second-degree connections, such as your relatives, friends, and acquaintances.

Each of these people has their own personalities and behavior based upon how they have been programmed by the world. No two people are exactly alike. A set of twins who are born into the same family and are raised in the same environment may be poles apart in behavior and mindset. Because, though their external environment is the same, the way they perceive information and save it in their memories is entirely different.

Take an example of two twins seeing their mother give food to a poor person. One might perceive the joy of helping others, while the second might perceive the nuisance and hardship of being poor. What each perceives and believes becomes their reality and, in the long run, becomes their personality.

You might be saying, Okay, I get it; everyone is unique and has their own personality and behavior. Considering our individuality, how can I best understand others?

The truth is, you cannot and never will be able to fully and confidently understand another person.

Understanding this simple fact will save you a lot of misery that arises due to interpersonal relationship problems in everyday life. See, to understand others completely, you need to know what they are thinking precisely at a given moment, and we can never know that. Their thinking is purely based upon how they perceive and internalize the world around them. No one has control over another person’s thinking, just like the two twins’ example above. It is what it is.

I find it humorous to hear people say, “I understand my spouse, I understand my kids.” You cannot ever understand them, or what they think, or why they think, or how they think. You have absolutely zero control and zero certainty, even if you know the person’s entire history.

Ironically, people don’t even understand themselves and yet seek to understand others. If you are smart enough, the odds are maybe later in your journey of life, you may begin to understand yourself. But you will never begin to understand others.

You might ask now, Of what use is this knowledge in my journey of life?

I’ll counter with another question. Now that it is crystal clear that you will never be able to understand how others think, is there a point to act in a particular way because of what you believe others think about you?

This bears repeating: Is there a point to do things while thinking about what others are thinking about you?

As I said, this is a funny world we live in. Most people design their daily lives not based upon their individual dreams or preferences, but rather primarily considering what other people are thinking about them. They take any given action depending upon their expectations of others’ reactions to it. They first think about what other people are thinking about them and based upon that complex logic, they decide to take action. How insane is that?

Because of this tendency, people spend their entire lives in misery, trying to understand others. They don't grasp the simple fact that no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to understand others nor please anyone all the time. There are 7.5 billion unique thinking minds roaming the planet earth. If you go on pleasing everyone, you will end up in a mental hospital.

Many don't come to this realization until they are close to their end time. Consider once more Bronnie Ware’s first of five top regrets of the dying.

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

The only way a person can achieve this is if they stop wondering what others think about them. It’s my earnest hope that you never waste your time in this trap. Live an authentic life true to yourself and never taint your actions with worries of what others are thinking and expecting from you. Keep following your heart, your passion, and your dreams, fearlessly, and live a life of zero regrets.